The more you pretend, the more it hurts you

I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay, and I wish I didn't do the wrong.
I'm not angry or even mad. It's just... A lil bit disappointed.
I'm disappointed of myself being childish and selfish. It's true. I can feel it. Cause I feel like I wanna cry for every single thing that actually not a big deal. How can I think positive if the reality is like this?
I tried to relax. I took a deep breath in order to let things go, but it's still.. It's the same. I got nothing.
Maybe I'm a kind of girl that love to love a person that much, I mean... once I loved him, I will love him forever. It's been twice and I guess I need to change that cause the more I do, the more pain I get. 

Time to grow up.

Good evening, good people! Sebenarnya niat nulis blog ini udah ada dari kemarin malam, ya apa mau dikata paket iphone tiba tiba habis dan pulsa yang diisi dari atm kemarin tak kunjung masuk, sial ga tuh hahaha. Sebenarnya juga malem ini niatnya mau nonton film yang banyaaak banget. Tapi hujan berkata lain. Hmm. You know what? The smells of the rain makes me miss my home even more. Kota kecil yang ngangenin, yang diisi dengan beberapa orang yang suka ngomogin orang lain tapi baik hati, enak diajak temenan, dan paling bisa diandalin kalo masalah tolong menolong. Lah kok ngomongin rumah? ._. Kemarin malem tuh rencananya mau ngeluh, hiks. Mulai dari sakit yang tak kunjung membaik. Membaik sih, tapi maunya yang baik banget, bukan yang batuk batuk kaya gini. Ditambah lagi dengan si dompet kesayangan (little things she needs yang ga seberapa tapi dibeli pake duit tabungan) yang mulai memasuki masa masa sekarat karena bentar lagi dia memasuki umur satu tahun, hiks. Ditambah lagi sama memori hp yang rusak, yang belum dicopy ke laptop isinya dan tak ada angin tak ada hujan tiba tiba semuanya hilaaaaaang begitu saja, hiks. Ditambah lagi.... Pas bbm kakak panjang panjang niat ngajak becanda, eh cuma di read doang. Capek ga tuh punya kakak yang kelewat dingin. Ibarat kulkas dia mah udah bukan kulkas lagi, tapi freezer. Bete. Tau iya tau, mungkin semuanya ga pantas buat dikeluhin, tapi gimana yaa. Abis datangnya bersamaan sih, bihihik. Tapi gpp deh, coba semuanya diikhlasin, kan enak juga ngejalaninnya. Sebut saja cobaan akhir bulan cause today I’m welcoming my month! Yay!

Hello, May! It’s been a while..

Lot of lesson I got from being stupid girl in the age of 18. Back to my last birthday celebration, I was so freakin happy (at that time) that someone came up from “2-hours-by-airplane” only for seeing me blowing my 18 birthday candles. Call it regret, cause I was happy for the wrong person. Such a long story to tell.... But it doesn’t matter at all cause I’m going to spend my 19 this month and forever with someone that I really love :) Tahun ini ga banyak embel embel deh. Keep the people I love with me is more than enough. Apalah arti barang barang yang nyenengin tapi orang orang yang kalian sayangin ga ada disekitar kalian. Saya tipikal cewek yang lebih suka cari kesenangan dengan orang orang yang selalu ada buat saya. For example, them.. My best friends who always be there everythime I need them. Mereka yang selalu ada disaat senang dan sedih, disaat sehat dan sakit, disaat banyak duit sampe dompet kosong melompong, tapi masih bisa ketawa ngakak. Entahlah jadi apa kalo ga ada mereka :’)

Di umur 19 ini juga saya mau kurangin ngeluh sedikit demi sedikit.. Hey yo! Grow up, girl. Semakin tua harusnya semakin tau diri dan tau bersyukur buat semuanya yang udah didapetin. Satu yang bikin saya bangga sama diri sendiri. Saya banyak kekurangan, tapi saya selalu merasa cukup. Kenapa? Saya selalu merasa cukup dengan apa yang saya punya, karena masih banyak orang diluar sana yang tidak seberuntung saya.. 

Satu yang jadi target tahun ini.. Throw the negative thoughts far away! Merasa cukup sih iya, tapi berfikir positif itu jarang.. That’s me.

Have you ever felt jealous? Of seeing someone else’s past? Your lover’s past, for exact.. Well, it is not jealous actually. It’s just... “can you love me as much as you love her?” feeling. You know what? I’m preparing myself if someday he’ll leave, maybe because he thinks that me and his ex have a lot of differences, and she’s way better than me, or probably because he’ll leave cause he want to leave. He told me he wouldn’t, but I don’t know why I think he will. Sometimes I feel like I wanna tell him that... Hey, I’m standing for nothing but pain. Cause I know it is never easy for us to keep this relationship become an everyday challenge, but to make it this far is a proof that we love each other like a lot. And it seems like we met to make each others happy. But even though we feel the same way about everything, we are still...  Still different with one huge thing. Like I said before, it is always hard when it comes to religion beliefs. Too bad, none of us is willing to sacrifice.

Some of my friends said that “come on.. Stop thinking about that. Just let it flow, see what’s going to happen, and accept that.” I really wish I could be like what you guys are thinking. But then I think, it will be good if the end is good. And how if not? How can I change this relationship into something more serious without feeling guilty? Some people said it is not a big deal, and some said it is. And that makes me confused even more.

I remember when I  dreamed about something that I’m really afraid of, that I woke up with tears on my face, that I won’t tell anybody about this. That was a moment that makes me realized how much I love this person and how scared I am for losing him. My lover.