The more you pretend, the more it hurts you

I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay, and I wish I didn't do the wrong.
I'm not angry or even mad. It's just... A lil bit disappointed.
I'm disappointed of myself being childish and selfish. It's true. I can feel it. Cause I feel like I wanna cry for every single thing that actually not a big deal. How can I think positive if the reality is like this?
I tried to relax. I took a deep breath in order to let things go, but it's still.. It's the same. I got nothing.
Maybe I'm a kind of girl that love to love a person that much, I mean... once I loved him, I will love him forever. It's been twice and I guess I need to change that cause the more I do, the more pain I get. 

Time to grow up.

Good evening, good people! Sebenarnya niat nulis blog ini udah ada dari kemarin malam, ya apa mau dikata paket iphone tiba tiba habis dan pulsa yang diisi dari atm kemarin tak kunjung masuk, sial ga tuh hahaha. Sebenarnya juga malem ini niatnya mau nonton film yang banyaaak banget. Tapi hujan berkata lain. Hmm. You know what? The smells of the rain makes me miss my home even more. Kota kecil yang ngangenin, yang diisi dengan beberapa orang yang suka ngomogin orang lain tapi baik hati, enak diajak temenan, dan paling bisa diandalin kalo masalah tolong menolong. Lah kok ngomongin rumah? ._. Kemarin malem tuh rencananya mau ngeluh, hiks. Mulai dari sakit yang tak kunjung membaik. Membaik sih, tapi maunya yang baik banget, bukan yang batuk batuk kaya gini. Ditambah lagi dengan si dompet kesayangan (little things she needs yang ga seberapa tapi dibeli pake duit tabungan) yang mulai memasuki masa masa sekarat karena bentar lagi dia memasuki umur satu tahun, hiks. Ditambah lagi sama memori hp yang rusak, yang belum dicopy ke laptop isinya dan tak ada angin tak ada hujan tiba tiba semuanya hilaaaaaang begitu saja, hiks. Ditambah lagi.... Pas bbm kakak panjang panjang niat ngajak becanda, eh cuma di read doang. Capek ga tuh punya kakak yang kelewat dingin. Ibarat kulkas dia mah udah bukan kulkas lagi, tapi freezer. Bete. Tau iya tau, mungkin semuanya ga pantas buat dikeluhin, tapi gimana yaa. Abis datangnya bersamaan sih, bihihik. Tapi gpp deh, coba semuanya diikhlasin, kan enak juga ngejalaninnya. Sebut saja cobaan akhir bulan cause today I’m welcoming my month! Yay!

Hello, May! It’s been a while..

Lot of lesson I got from being stupid girl in the age of 18. Back to my last birthday celebration, I was so freakin happy (at that time) that someone came up from “2-hours-by-airplane” only for seeing me blowing my 18 birthday candles. Call it regret, cause I was happy for the wrong person. Such a long story to tell.... But it doesn’t matter at all cause I’m going to spend my 19 this month and forever with someone that I really love :) Tahun ini ga banyak embel embel deh. Keep the people I love with me is more than enough. Apalah arti barang barang yang nyenengin tapi orang orang yang kalian sayangin ga ada disekitar kalian. Saya tipikal cewek yang lebih suka cari kesenangan dengan orang orang yang selalu ada buat saya. For example, them.. My best friends who always be there everythime I need them. Mereka yang selalu ada disaat senang dan sedih, disaat sehat dan sakit, disaat banyak duit sampe dompet kosong melompong, tapi masih bisa ketawa ngakak. Entahlah jadi apa kalo ga ada mereka :’)

Di umur 19 ini juga saya mau kurangin ngeluh sedikit demi sedikit.. Hey yo! Grow up, girl. Semakin tua harusnya semakin tau diri dan tau bersyukur buat semuanya yang udah didapetin. Satu yang bikin saya bangga sama diri sendiri. Saya banyak kekurangan, tapi saya selalu merasa cukup. Kenapa? Saya selalu merasa cukup dengan apa yang saya punya, karena masih banyak orang diluar sana yang tidak seberuntung saya.. 

Satu yang jadi target tahun ini.. Throw the negative thoughts far away! Merasa cukup sih iya, tapi berfikir positif itu jarang.. That’s me.

Have you ever felt jealous? Of seeing someone else’s past? Your lover’s past, for exact.. Well, it is not jealous actually. It’s just... “can you love me as much as you love her?” feeling. You know what? I’m preparing myself if someday he’ll leave, maybe because he thinks that me and his ex have a lot of differences, and she’s way better than me, or probably because he’ll leave cause he want to leave. He told me he wouldn’t, but I don’t know why I think he will. Sometimes I feel like I wanna tell him that... Hey, I’m standing for nothing but pain. Cause I know it is never easy for us to keep this relationship become an everyday challenge, but to make it this far is a proof that we love each other like a lot. And it seems like we met to make each others happy. But even though we feel the same way about everything, we are still...  Still different with one huge thing. Like I said before, it is always hard when it comes to religion beliefs. Too bad, none of us is willing to sacrifice.

Some of my friends said that “come on.. Stop thinking about that. Just let it flow, see what’s going to happen, and accept that.” I really wish I could be like what you guys are thinking. But then I think, it will be good if the end is good. And how if not? How can I change this relationship into something more serious without feeling guilty? Some people said it is not a big deal, and some said it is. And that makes me confused even more.

I remember when I  dreamed about something that I’m really afraid of, that I woke up with tears on my face, that I won’t tell anybody about this. That was a moment that makes me realized how much I love this person and how scared I am for losing him. My lover.

Goodnight, pals. For your information, I promised my self not to touch this kind of site called blog or something cause I think my life is going to be easier. Well, I was wrong.. I mean, my life is not getting harder but it is just not getting easier, thou. I just don't have anyone to share. Actually I do. I have a lot but hmm.. I don't know why I chose blog to be my best friend for now.

So... Here are the things.
I just woke up and there's something forced myself to open the laptop. Maybe it sounds ridiculous but seriously, I feel like such a mess with no reason. Let's start with word "tired".
I'm tired..
Tired of being compared with someone else. Godknowswho&why. Okay, I won't blame anyone else here. I'm the one who started, so I'm the one who should take the risks. Shit, I hate saying this :|
I'm tired of being a strong girl. I thought I was different. I thought I was stronger, but I'm not. I feel like there are a lot of people whispering on my ear and say.... You can't do this... He's just not that into you... You're not gonna be the one... And something like that.
Can you guys imagine yourself being me? Having a relationship with someone that you think really "fit" on you, but you guys still have discrepancy thingy. It's always hard when it comes to religion. For god sake, I'm tired of thinking about it. I don't know how is it going to end. And when it comes to an end that "really" end, you better kill myself :|
Everybody may call it galau, but it's not. It is just a girl that has nothing to do and try to share an unimportant-complicated-story of her.

Long gone, moved on

Hello, world.

Here I am, coming from another world without feeling sad hahaha apa dah.. How's life? Mine is good, can you believe it? Of course you should :) There are a lot of happy moments that I've been through in these few weeks. 

You have to know that my new life is just beginning :)

Ga tau kenapa, semuanya udah kehapus sedikit demi sedikit..

Yang dulunya susah sendiri, sekarang biasa aja..

Yang dulunya selalu ngetweet tentang masa lalu, sekarang malah ngetweet tentang masa depan hahaha..

Yang dulunya status bbm suka sedih, sekarang status bbm icon senang mulu..

Like I said before, everything's changing.. Change for the better ;)

There's something that makes me feel better day by day...

Setelah hari-hari berat itu terlewatkan, bisa disimpulkan kalo saya sekarang adalah wanita yang kuat. Yes, I'm stronger than ever! hahahaha maklum, tiap hari main sama barbel soalnya :p

Sedikit tips buat kalian yang selalu galau.

Remember that there are a lot of fish in the sea. Yagitulah istilahnya. Masih banyak orang yang baik di dunia ini.. It's only a matter of time! Gimana mau maju kalo mikirnya ke masa lalu terus, ye gak? Yapastilaaahehehehe :) Dan yang jelas, masa lalu itu tidak boleh disesali dan dibenci. Ada baiknya kalo kita buat itu jadi sebuah pelajaran. Mungkin bagi beberapa dari kalian nganggep kalo melupakan orang yang disayangi itu susah. Iya, saya juga berpikiran yang sama kok sebelumnya. Tapi sekarang tidak. Kenapa? Saya selalu berpikir kalo "kita berpisah karena salah satu dari kita sudah tidak mampu menjalani hubungan" for example: seperti saya yang menjalani hubungan jarak jauh dan itu hal yang terberat buat "dia", jadi ya mau tidak mau hubungan ini harus diakhiri. Selalu ingat kalo maksain hubungan itu ga baik, jadi akan lebih baik kalau kita pisah aja and find a better one :)

Pikir lagi.. Kalo memang keduanya masih saling sayang, kenapa bisa ada kata putus? Bisa disimpulin dong kalo orang yang putus itu pasti salah satunya udah ga sayang hahaha..

Orang yang sayang itu ga kenal kata jaim dan gengsi buat mengungkapkan perasaannya..

Orang yang sayang itu bakal selalu berusaha untuk tidak mengakhiri hubungan..

Orang yang sayang itu orang yang bisa mengendalikan emosi dan tidak pernah bosan..

Yap! Itu adalah 3 dari 1000 tipe orang yang penyayang. Beruntunglah kalian yang pacarnya masuk di 3 kategori tersebut, hahaha. Dan buat kalian yang pacar atau mantannya tidak termasuk di 3 kategori tersebut, you better move on and find another one.. Please banget jangan memaksakan kehendak, hahaha! Kalo emang udah ga bisa, ya ga bisa. Bisa bayangin ga apa jadinya kalo suatu hubungan itu dipaksain? Yang ada ntar si dia selingkuh, bohong.. Yang ada hanya berantem.. Yang ada ntar cuma nangis, stres, galau.. Sama aja bohongkan? Nah. That's why I said lebih baik putus daripada maksain hubungan. :)

Cowok/cewek di dunia ini ga cuma satu kok. Emang iya, cari yang sesuai selera dan pas itu susah. Makanya itu tercipta kata SABAR hahaha. Oh iya, ingat kalo kita ga boleh suka sama orang karena "aduh dia mirip mantan gue". Jangan! Jangan! Ntar jatohnya kalian bakal nuntut doi persis kaya mantan kalian, dan itu ga baik. Yang paling baik itu, move on, cari yang baik, kenal sematang-matangnya, baru deh build a relationship hehehe.

Goodluck ya buat kalian yang sekarang lagi move on :)

"Maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future...." - Unknown